(not like you needed more, but I can't resist quoting these).

NBC Cancels CSI

BURBANK, CA—Seeking to bolster its Thursday-night Nielsen numbers, NBC announced Monday that it is cancelling the highly rated CBS drama CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. "CSI was a quality show that, unfortunately, always quite lived up to expectations," said Jeff Zucker, NBC president of entertainment. "We tried to give it plenty of time to lose an audience, but in the end, it just was working." Other shows NBC may cancel include Fox's American Idol, ABC's Alias, and CBS's Everybody Loves Raymond.

Bacon Good For You, Reports Best Scientist Ever

ROCHESTER, MN—Bacon, long believed to contribute to heart disease and obesity, possesses significant health benefits, according to a study released Monday by Dr. Albert Gruber, the best scientist ever. "My research has found that three strips of crispy, mouthwatering bacon every morning can actually reduce cholesterol and help slow the aging process," the awesome Gruber said. "What's more, the bacon's positive effects are enhanced when combined with milk shakes and/or marijuana." In 1997, Gruber, a Mayo Clinic cardiologist, was awarded nine Nobel Prizes in Medicine for discovering that frequent oral sex with models cures cancer.